Now I finally GET IT!

I realized something today. I had a day today that made me just want to give up. I think that many adoptive parents have hit that point at some time or another: Can I make this all come together in time? I reached out to people, and they reached out back. Thanks everyone. I am not normally a person who lets people in like that, but then this is no ordinary journey for me.
I was on my way to a Memorial this afternoon to celebrate the life of Connie Knott Toigo, who passed away on December 30th, 2009, from her battle with advanced cancer. She was the fourth person I knew that passed away from cancer in the year 2009 - two of those people being close family members. Driving there, I started to cry. I realized that I haven't had a real cry in almost three years. That is not to say that I haven't shed a tear, but that I haven't had a good cry in that long.
A lot of things sort of came together for me today.
In 2004, I had severe birthing complications and almost lost my son, T.J. He was born with colic that lasted for 7 months, and I was left in need of what would be three major corrective surgeries to be whole again. For the longest time, I grieved the loss of my first motherhood experience, and I felt like I got jipped. I had planned months in advanced. I wanted to give my child the best life and be the best mom that I could be, and it was anything BUT ideal. I turned out being very sick after having T.J., and when he was colicky, we basically threw all of the baby books out of the window. The surgeries I had required long recoveries and left me unable to do everything that I had hoped to do with my son in his early years. In the end, I was able to be thankful for my son and for my renewed health, and we came out of the situation much stronger as a family.
We decided to adopt from China in 2005, when my son was only one year old, which had been a dream of mine for many years. Finishing college between surgeries was something I did as well, and seemed logical, but our lives were a whirlwind for years.
Last spring, I had a conversation with my principal, Connie, about feeling guilty about not spending enough time with T.J. (We were doing an activity on setting personal goals.) I felt bad, because I was working and going to school and wanted to make quality time with him a priority. I felt like I had to make up the loss to him somehow. She told me that I should not feel bad about taking time for myself, and that I needed to let go of the loss and move on, or else it would eat away at me. She pointed out all of the things that I was doing with him and also pointed out that I needed to get past the guilt. That was a total shocker, since I was trying to pick an easy goal to talk about, but it backfired on me. :)
Today, I realized that I have been trying to plan the perfect homecoming for Jiliang, because I had so many things go wrong when I had T.J. I know that if I just let go and have faith, it is going to work out. Jiliang will not care if things aren't perfect. She is only going to know they we are her family and that we will love and support her no matter what.
Connie's Memorial reminded me of her advice to me that day, and I consider it a gift. I decided to do what I can each day, and pray that everything falls into place as it should. Instead of wishing February to be here, I have decided to live each day meaningfully and have faith that it will all work out. It is hard to be patient when you see your child's face and they are halfway around the world, but I know that I have move forward and "live" and take time to be thankful, or the wait will gnaw at me.
In the meantime, I want to thank Connie for the memories and insight that she shared with me that day. The highlights of her inspiring life reminded me to grasp life, pick myself up off the ground, and prepare for the adventure of my life.
Thanks to everyone for your continued support, prayers, and positive thoughts. It means to so much to me.
Sincerely,
Jill